I dont know if its just me or…

 I  dont know if its just me or…if it happens to others too…
I’m the kinda person who finds happiness even in very small things.and promptly thank GOD for it…..  not tht complaiing..i used to be happy with wat i have..no big demands or requests to Him, coz i knew tht “He knows wat is best for me.”I wldnt complain much, wd accept watever He gives happily..somewhat…  I,used to be a godly person(used to be…all worn out now..), i believe that whatever happens in this world is all according to the GOD Almighty…and for the same fact I have a really BAD realtionship with HIM…sounds stupid ..rite..but thts the way it is.. I’ve changed a lot in the past few years…what changed me..i dunno, maybe circumstances or troubles or maybe GOD.

I used to feel happy just for the fact that im GOD’s own son..today tht same fact hurts me the most…. I  dont know if its just me or if others too can feel the reasoning behind everything..if HE controls everything,then y all these problems..i do not mean to say tht life shd be problem free..i do understand the importance of problems..its to strengthen faith…but there shdnt be so many problems for a person that rather than strengthening, it breaks a persons faith completely..after all faith aint rubber that it can be bent as much as desired..if u bend a stick..to an extent, it’ll bend, some more than others, but after a limit, it just BREAKS!!! and once it breaks, theres nothing u can do to fix it..even if u use glue(intended meaning is s’thing very gud hapening in life)..even the best of glue..the cracks are still left behind..forget the small pieces tht cant b fixed…I wd like to ask GOD, y does this happen..y does this happen..its ok to bend a faith,but y break it??? Being an ardent believer in GOD since my childhood i feel this wd b the last thing tht i cd think of to happen to me..” lose my faith “…

I still blv tht He controls everything, its just tht i find Him so Unjust and Partial….i really have understood the meaning of the famous saying… ” All the world’s a stage and we are puppets…s’thin like tht…and of course puppets controlled by HIm… I really have felt how he controls us as puppets… its so obvious..

i dont know if its just me or…..it happens with everybody… i knw very well tht everyone has some problem or the other…and i knw tht its essential, but the way He has Screwed up my life for the past 4 years…trust me i dont think maby ppl have been screwed like tht.. I  Dont ask “Why Me?” like others do..  my only question is and has been “How much and How long???” will He keep screwing up my life…

I respect and thank Him that he has looked after me all this time thru all the troubles…but i wd like to tell Him…it wd hv been better if He hadn’t… Id rather be soil than go thru shit like this… God dosent understand, how can i expect other people to understand…i cant..i cant…………….

I  dont know if its just me or…if He does it others too..My sincere prayer wd be to please put everything on my head and finish my story and save others frm such a persecution… id rather be grains of sand rather than being alive with out Him……

I  dont know if………

Memories………

Today began as jsut another day…was going ok ..everything normal as in nothing much to do..no work.

So was fine until this mail of a gud ol friend of mine popped up. His name is Rahul Dev and was with me in Chandigargh for my VLSI course. I reply all-ed to the mail after which came popping mails frm another couple of friends with me there..been wuite some time since ive been in contact with them..in fact didnt even tell them that i got this job….too bad..i feel i’ve got so many friends that i dont have the time to stay in touch, and yet i feel lonely. i dunno y…..

I guess relationships do change with time no matter what u do and how much u promise that u’ll b in touch..i knw its not gonna happen..u’ll b in touch for sometime and slowly it wades off..then occasionally u sent each other a mail with gaalis for not mailing…and thts it…thts the fate of tht friendship and a new one begins with some1 else and u move on…

I’ve made so many friends (a friendly person i am), and not many are in touch…now i dont feel like making any new friends..it gets tiring..new place,new ppl,new friends..have been a real nomad for the last few years..roaming places and jobs…feels like a “banjar”..its been really tiring and standing at this point of time im totally unsatisfied about what i am today and wat i have today…

Who Am I???

    The name: Renju Paul Mathews…rather uncanny,unique and difficult name to remember, Renju,as a word dosent have any meaning as such. A bit of a philosphical person, I grew up to be a GOD- fearing or a very Godly/religious person..

    I started life on a very good note..We were settled in Dubai.Dad is a Chartered Accountant,used to work for a private company.Mom’s a housewife..me and my sis,she’s a couple of years elder to me..

    Life was cool and  i liked dubai,we used to come to Kerala,India every summer holiday..i liked India a bit,but i couldnt stand the dirt and my grandpa being in a village, dirt was all around me…so i never liked getting out of home..so tht i dnt get dirty. Not tht i remember much about my childhood days, i ways everyone’s pet and maybe too pampered.I used to have my way in almost anything..my trump card-tears…i would cry and have it my way..well tht wouldnt work with dad..

     I was quite  studious at that time and would always end up second in class coz the guy who was first was really tough to beat him. But life was fun and i liked it. I had a very good friend, Reuben Menezes, my best friend, was in the same building as i was and was in my school The Indian High School,Dubai, a year younger to me and moroever,our dads worked in the same company.

     I had a theorem when i was really small. One day as my dad dropped me to school, i said-” Now I am small and daddy’s big and he drops me to school and goes to office. After a few years, I will become big and daddy will become small and then I will drop daddy to school and i’ll goto office.” Well, it didnt win me a Nobel Prize, but it b’came famous in my family..

     So here i was, enjoying life..sort of..i liked tht place a lot. Then it happened, i guess as it happens with most of the Non-Resident Indians, dad decided to sell off everything and go to India, and settle down in Kerala. My dad told me, its coz my grand parents were becoming old,so he wanted us to be there with them. Till today, i regard that as the toughest decision that a person can take. Imagine your life..all settled and going smooth for more than 10 years with you family and kids…and you have to uproot everything pack up and goto kerala, where you dont even know what you are gonna do…a very tough decision i must say…and needs a lot of guts.

         Leaving that place wasnt easy,especially for mom and dad.. The scene at the airport when v were leaving is something i wont ever forget..Everybody in tears and hugs n kisses, thats the first time i came face to face with the situation of parting with loved ones. Well, later it became a habit for me.Dont even feel bad nowadays. So there we were…Couldnt understand much at that time, but now when i look back i realize how important decisions are, coz tht decision changed our lives,maybe 180 degrees. I dunno good or bad, but trust me it wasnt something i wanted or liked. And thats when i first understoond the meaning of UNCERTAINITY…

Here I am!!!

   Here I am and this is me..No this aint the Bryan Adams song. This is just marking my entry to the Blog world..Sounds real stupid..sitting in office and blogging..course when u dont have work to do and you get unlimited internet access..what else do you do??

  Thanks a lot to Sooraj, for introducing me to the blog world..and also to pandora..so now im listening to songs from pandora and writing a blog here..thts the cool part of life in the software world.

   Perhaps, i’ll take you through the journey of my life…through my blogs…pretty interesting and frustrating journey… So Here I am..This is Me….